Everything Lost…

Hi guys, I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I’ve been going through a major hard time. I recently just lost my apartment. I was forced to moved out. Due to the fact my job cut my hours for the summer. And on top of the fact of having low hours it put me behind on my car which I no longer have because they just took it away from me Monday. And I’ve been trying so hard. The same day they took my car away is the same day I lost my job. And I had a bad relapse tried killing myself literally. I have no way of receiving any help form anyone. I don’t know what to do, I’m just back in this dark place. I recently created a Gofundme and if you guys can greatly donate I would be so grateful. The donation is to try to get my car back, because that’s the only transportation my kids and I had to go to doctors appointments, and they are starting school Monday. And also for me to go get a new job and hopefully things will go up from there. I will be greatly appreciative. I will post my link below. Thank you guys so much.Gofundme

Relapse…

Hey you guys, I know it’s been a long time, but I’m back. I had to take a little breather for a few weeks. And you guys might wonder why is that.? , well it’s because I’ve had a relapse. I started going through depression all over again, just that fast!. Depression never leaves you, you just learn how to deal and beat it. And this time, it was coming back even worse. I’ve been isolating myself again. These past few weeks I’ve let my kids father try to come back in my life (as friends) for the sake of our kids. And let me say, THAT WAS MY WORSE MISTAKE!. Every since letting him back in my life, I’ve been having a relapse. My emotions was everywhere. And I can’t have that. I started to wake up every morning feel Nauseous like as if I was Pregnant. I lost my appetite, I been feeling extremely LAZY, and last but no least, I have been CRYING non-stop. And right now I am emotionally drained. I said enough! I REFUSE to go back to that Dark Place. I can slowly feel and see myself going back and having a relapse which I did, but I didn’t let it go beyond that. Thank God, because suicidal thoughts would have been next. I’ve come this far not to give up and also not to go BACK!. First things first, I sent him away! I told him I can’t have him in my life in that way anymore. Yes we have kids, but I can’t and won’t communicate with you. I’ve learned during this healing process, that Certain people and Certain reactions Triggers my Anxiety and my Depression. I have to be very cautious about who I let come in my life and be around. It’s true when they say people carry spirits with them, and I have to be careful because not everyone carry good spirits with them. The last thing I need is a evil spirit around me. I’m still emotional and I’m still trying to pull myself back together. It’s just each time is more challenging than the last. If you have have ideas that could help me right now, it will be most appreciated.

Leave your comments Below.

One Step Closer…

Hello, how are you guys doing?. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a few days, but I’m going to be blogging at least 3 times a week. I hope you guys had a great weekend!, my weekend was actually pretty great. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone this past weekend, which is a great thing, I hope. I didn’t isolate myself like I usually do. I hung out with some friends and met a couple of new people. As I mentioned before, my anxiety gets the best of me, to the point where I don’t want to hang out with friends. I’m a very shy person, so me being shy and also having anxiety is not a great combination AT ALL! I’m always thinking the worse. Let me try to describe the feeling I get when my anxiety starts kicking in, that way you guys can understand just a little of where I’m coming from. Imagine meeting someone or going out and you get this paranoid feeling, as if something bad is about to happen. My heart starts ponding and I start looking around at my surroundings. I start to think that every one is out to get me. If I’m just hanging out with one person, I start feeling like they are planning to kill me or to set me up. I’m telling you guys, Anxiety is real and it is a scary feeling. And I’m over it! That’s why i tried facing my anxiety this past weekend . I got out and I was actually ok. I was scared for no reason and anxiety has you feeling scared FOR NO REASON! I’m glad I was able to be socializing over the weekend, because now I am a step closer to overcoming my anxiety. I’m proud! And I hope you guys continue to follow me on this journey in my life. Don’t be afraid to leave your comments.

How did you face your fears of anxiety?

Mood…

Have you guys ever just wake up and feel irritated? Or you could be having a great day so far and then you go around certain people and go to certain places and just get this irritation vibe all over?. I’m not sure why, but for a while I would wake up and just feel so irritated. I’m not sure what’s causing me to feel so irritable. It don’t have to be a situation where I get irritated from, it’s just this feelings I get. I have a great personality. And sometimes my irritability take over and show, which makes me have an attitude all the time, well most times. I don’t know if it the food I’m eating , the water I’m drinking, or just the atmosphere around me. I’ve been cutting off negativity. I don’t want negative people around me. For once, I just want to be around positivity. I’ve been down my whole life and I’m done being in that funk!. But I have yet to figure out what could be the cause of my irritation. You guys, I’ve been being drained most of my life because of my depression. And I’m over it! What can I do to change my moods? Where should I start? I’m all ears, don’t be Afraid to tell me your thoughts. And if you deal with irritation, don’t be afraid to tell how you deal with. Maybe i could try meditation, hopefully that might help?.

What are some tips to help with moods?

Hyperemesis Gravidarum…

This is a serious condition that I don’t think many women are aware of. I was one of those women before it happened to me. When I was pregnant with my last son, I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gradvidarum. It all started like a normal pregnancy. I had morning sickness with all my kids. And it lasted until the 12th or 13th week of pregnancy, but with my last baby it lasted the whole PREGNANCY. My Dr. did everything to try to help me cope with it. I had every nausea medicine known safe for pregnancy. I was even hospitalized for several days just to get iv nausea medicine. Which barely helped. But it was better than pill medication. I couldn’t keep food down or liquids. I could take a little sip of water and throw it up. I I was loosing to much weight to where I became high risk. After months of being in and out the hospital and throwing up 24/7 my dr. Decided to do a PICC line for me. I was rushed the very next day to day surgery to get a PICC put in. A PICC line is a long term IV that’s inserted into a big vein in the higher upper arm that goes all the way to the heart to pump medicine and liquids. I walked around from 5 months until I gave birth with a PICC line. I had to carry a battery operated pump with me with a iv bag of medicine everywhere I went. I could not remove the IV. I had a nurse visit me every week at home to change the dressing on it and to make sure everything was ok with the sight. I had to keep it away from germs or I could get deadly sick. The PICC line did help for a little while, then my nausea started to come back. I had a rough pregnancy the worse! I was so miserable and that added on top of my depression and anxiety. But through all of that, I was blessed with a healthy baby. He was born at 37 weeks exactly. He had a little complications with his sugar cause he was only 5 pounds, but he was still healthy. I’m blessed. I had a PICC line and I was taking depression and anxiety medicine during this pregnancy. I was completely high Risk so I got induced at 37 weeks. I thank God everyday for keeping his hand over my son and myself during that time everyday. They should make this serious condition KNOWN to all the women because it is real and it could be deadly.

Did you know anyone who experienced Hyperemesis Gravidarum?

What are your thoughts?

Is it Anxiety or OCD?…

I want to share something with you guys. Hopefully you can help me figure this out! Try not laugh, well ima try not to at least because I think this is hilarious. And whoever knows about this, thought this was hilarious as well. Ok let me stop babbling and tell you guys! MY FEET CAN NOT TOUCH THE FLOOR!. I bet you’re wondering, “what does she mean by this?”. Allow me to elaborate. Anywhere I go, it could be family house , my house, friends house, or just a place in general that requires me to take off my shoes, I can’t and I won’t do it! I do not want my feet touching the floor. I get the chills just thinking about it. I always have to have on shoes! It could be regular shoes, Nike slides, or house shoes. But I have to have on either one. Some people say they keep socks on their feet, well I keep shoes on mines! Lol funny right? I’ve been like this since I was a KID. I could never walk on the floor with my bare foot, but I would go outside barefooted, weird right? Trust me I know. I don’t know what to call this “situation”. Is this apart of my anxiety or OCD? I have no clue, but what I do know is, that this has to stop! NOW!. Hopefully this made your day. Cause it sure made mines telling you guys this secret about me.

What are your thoughts?

Insecure…

If you suffered with low self esteem like me, then you know how it feels to look at yourself in the mirror and think you’re ugly. My self esteem has been low as long as I can remember. I use to hate to look in the mirror. I still kind of do. I’m always pointing out my physical flaws and reminding myself, if I can do something to fix it then I’m going to fix it. One of my biggest flaws is my body. I hate my body and that’s why I’m trying to fix it. I had 4 kids and having kids changes your body your body for better or for the worse, but either way it’s going to change. I was so insecure to the point I stopped wearing fitted clothes. I would always wear big shirts and sweats ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t comfortable with my body. I’m still a little iffy about my body, but I’ve been dieting and exercising, and i see just a little bit of improvement. I’m not there yet! I have a lot of work to do. But let me say, this is a confidence BOOSTER!. Feeling like I’m ugly all the time caused me to be so depressed. I was in a funk and been there for a long time. Since I’ve been trying to love myself, I see things differently. I can look in the mirror now and say “I look good” literally, because I do. I’m not going to let my insecurities get the best of me. Again my confidence won’t build overnight, but I will get there.

Phone Anxiety…

Have you guys ever met anyone who would never talk on the phone? You can call them and they don’t ever answer, but will send you an immediate text right after?, well if you haven’t yet, you have today. Yes that’s me, weird right? Yes I know, I’m that person that never talks on the phone. And it makes whoever call me so upset because most people that call me don’t prefer texting. Though, I wasn’t always like this. I use to prefer Talk or Text, but now it’s Text over Talk. I’ve been like for about 5years now. This developed when my Anxiety developed and got worse. When I started recognizing that I had anxiety I started to know what triggers it, and talking on the phone is one of those things. When I tell someone I don’t like talking on the phone, they automate assume I’m crazy. Yes that’s the word “crazy”. And I’m not, it’s just my anxiety, and also it’s more so of me not wanting to experience that “Awkward” silence and/or “Awkward” conversation. You can’t get rid of anxiety in a day, it’s a long process. Anxiety makes you a whole different person. And that’s what I am, a different person. But this is something I am going to change. I don’t want to let my anxiety take over my mind and body. The only way to understand these certain type of situations is to go through them. If you don’t have anxiety you might think this is stupid, but it’s not it’s a real life disease I’m trying to cure within myself.

Do you know someone with phone anxiety?

The Black Sheep…

I’ve always felt like the black sheep of my family. It goes back to when I was younger. My sisters use to get everything they wanted from our mom. If they wanted to go places they were allowed to go. They went to friends house, movies etc and I couldn’t. I don’t know if my mom used my age as an excuse, but I was always told no. I felt left out most of the time. Even now, sometimes my sisters would go places together still, or do things together and I’ll won’t get an invite. If I hear about things that’s going on , like activities I would ask to come, and I would be told “ok but no drama” lol, I DON’T CAUSE DRAMA. What is drama? Trying to be apart of the festivities that was planned?. Once I hear the word “Drama” I say never mind because it seems like I’m a burden and you use drama just as an excuse for me to say ” don’t worry about it”. That’s why I gave up trying to be apart of anything with my family. I remember when I was younger, I had got my first phone for Christmas. I was so happy and excited cause that’s what I wanted! And my grandmother and grandfather ( who was my dad) got it for me. And when I got back home with it, my mom said I could have it. Not because I was too young because I wasn’t, but because my sister didn’t have one. And she even made me share my phone with her just for that reason. So eventually she bought her phone and I could even touch it. My mom made me leave my phone at home while my sister took hers with her to school. Talk about Favoritism. (I’ll get into that another time). I use to feel sad all the time and eventually that sadness turned into hate. Now that I’m older, I learned to key that hate go, because it take A LOT out of you just to hate someone than to Love them.

Have you ever felt like the back sheep?

Little O’l Me…

When I was in elementary school, I was bullied. No one knows this, but it’s true. There were times where I didn’t want to go back to school. And I wasn’t being bully by a boy it was a girl. She would pull my hair, hit me, and she would take my things. She would also follow me into the girls restroom and bully me. I never told anyone what was going on at time because I was scared. And back then bullying wasn’t a big deal like it is today. I went almost the whole school year getting picked on by her, but One day I had a friend who saw that I was getting bullied and she helped me by standing up for me. And it stopped after that, she was actually trying to be friends with me. Im a mom now and I have kids that are in school and I would hate for them to get bullied like I did. I taught my kids to never let anyone do anything to them or to each other. If someone was messing with them, I also taught them to always tell no matter who it is, because I didn’t.